Oh, I’m sorry, you thought I only do cool survival stunts like smoke signals and stuff? You think living through the end of days depends solely on wilderness skills? You’re too cool or manly or incompetent to be in the kitchen? Nonsense!
The more versatile your skill set, the more likely you are to make it through a disaster. Kitchen skills can be just as helpful as signaling, hotwiring, or nunchuck skills. I mean, cooking and baking teaches you all sorts of useful stuff, like the difference between “tsp.” and “tbsp.,” and what the dickens chicken stock is.
So here are a few recipes you can use as part of your last meal; just add a couple sides of your favorite salads or veggies and you’re ready for dinner.
Invite your friends, put on a party hat, and eat cake like the calories don’t matter because the apocalypse is like the best workout ever, even better than sweating it out with Richard Simmons or chasing your flea-infested cat when he runs out of the vet’s office.
• Don’t ask what’s in it meatloaf
(If guests are curious about ingredients, you can remind them it’s best to stop asking what kind of meat they’re eating. They’ve gotta get used to the idea of eating nutria and horse meat sometime.)
1 ½ pounds lean ground beef or nutria or horse meat
1 cup milk
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
¼ cup ketchup or barbecue sauce
1 tablespoon chopped green pepper
½ cup chopped tomato or vegetable of choice
¾ cup oats or other grain
½ cup parmesan
1 garlic clove, finely chopped or 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon chopped fresh sage leaves or 1/4 teaspoon dried sage leaves A little salt and ground mustard
Directions: Heat oven to 350°F.
Mix all ingredients. Spread mixture in ungreased loaf pan. You can spread some more ketchup or sprinkle cheese on top. Bake uncovered 1 hour to 1 hour 15 minutes.
— Adapted from Betty Crocker and my mom
• Antichrist eggs
(A twist on the holiday favorite, deviled eggs. And by “twist,” I mean “different name for the same old thing.”) Eggs, boiled Miracle Whip Mustard Salt and pepper Onion powder/salt Worcestershire sauce or Tabasco sauce Paprika
Slice eggs in half and scoop out yolk. Mash yolk up with miracle whip, mustard, salt and pepper. Add worchestershire sauce or Tabasco sauce to taste. Glop yolk mix back into egg halves and sprinkle with paprika.
— Recipe by my dad
• Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake
(Inspired by the gore of Mayan bloodletting rituals, this velvety treat will take the cake at your party. If this is too complicated, just throw together some blood pudding.) Cake Ingredients ½ cup shortening
1½ cups sugar
2 tablespoons of cocoa
• Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar
• Frosting Ingredients
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
• Some vanilla extract
Directions: Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting.
— Adapted from Shannon O’Malley’s “Apocalypse Cakes”
• Chocolate Chirp Cookies
(In case you meant to make these when I introduced them in August but just haven’t gotten around to it.)
21/4 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1-2 cups chocolate chips
3/4 cup slivered almonds
1/2 cup dry-roasted or freeze dried crickets
Directions: Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In small bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt. In large bowl, combine butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla; beat until creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually add flour mixture. Stir in nuts, insects and chocolate chips. Drop by spoonfuls onto cookie sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes. Bon appétit!
– Adapted from Iowa State University’s Entomophagy Club recipe
• Zombie cocktail
1/2 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 tsp sugar
2 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
1 oz lime juice
Directions: Mix all ingredients except for Bacardi 151 rum; float that on top last.
— Recipe from www.drinksmixer.com/
FOR MORE IDEAS
Apocalypse Cakes by Shannon O’Malley.
by Zilly Rosen
Meals Ready to Eat.